BDSM Talks: Humiliation and Its Nuances

Humiliation is a particular flavor of kink that I enjoy. It’s probably my second most favorite kink. If it’s not number two, it’s definitely in the top 5. I love all different types. Small penis humiliation, premature ejaculation humiliation, general loser humiliation, cuckolding humiliation, and more.

However, I think my favorite types of humiliation are a little more nuanced than just telling someone they are a total piece of shit (though that can be fun too!)

Humiliation as Acceptance

A lot of humiliation play takes something from real life and exaggerates it. It makes sense. In general, kink play can eroticize the brutal yet beautiful world we live in to help us make sense of it all. Keeping this in mind, one of my favorite ways to play with humiliation is as a form of acceptance.

Like, for example, if someone’s fantasy is that they are a completely worthless cuck, it can be humiliating, yes, but it doesn’t have to be fully degrading. To me, this humiliation can be about a journey of acceptance. This turns the humiliating qualities from something that prevents the person from being in a relationship or being deserving of a certain type of affection to something desirable.

Common narratives I like to work with include things like:

• How wonderful it is that the person has found their way to accepting who they are, and stopped trying to be an assertive, dominant guy, because that was probably very unnatural for them.
• That sure, I wouldn’t go out on a date with them or have sex with them, but they have other purposes and can be useful in other ways.
• It’s kind of like being a treasured pet, like, you don’t get to sleep on the bed, but you can have a nice soft pillow on the floor and feel cared for in that way. (Though I do let my actual animal pets sleep on the bed, lol.)

For me, humiliation doesn’t always have to be about that separation or that pushing away. It can be about helping someone accept their desires that they may feel ashamed about, through play.

It All Goes Back to the Fantasy Container

I’ve mentioned the fantasy container in a few of my previous articles about BDSM play. To me, it’s important to have a distinction between fantasy and reality.

When I play with people who I know understand this, it allows me to go deeper. When I play with people who I am not 100% sure understand this, I tend to keep things lighter to avoid causing harm.

This is really important for something like humiliation, which may touch on real-world qualities or situations. With kink, I always say that if you’re going to play with fire, you might get burned.

With something physical, like pegging, that means the potential of seeing a bit of fecal matter. I don’t love that, but that can be easily cleaned up. With something else, like bondage, it can be more serious. For example, I know people who have had nerve damage or concussions from bondage accidents. But again, it’s something easily diagnosable that can be treated.

With the emotional stuff, like humiliation, when the line between fantasy and reality is too blurry, I feel there is a potential for real emotional harm, in addition to challenges in functioning in normal life.

I heard a story through the grapevine of a guy whose 24/7 domme made him eat kind of disgusting foods he hated, including some raw meats, as part of humiliation play. He brought his little lunch to work with him and would choke it down, gagging and heaving the whole time. Eventually, HR had to talk to him because it was disrupting the work environment.

I’ve also talked to a lot of people who struggled with their mental health when the humiliation in a BDSM relationship penetrated them, and they lost that line between fantasy and reality.

To me, getting “burned” with humiliation has greater consequences than having to use some bleach on the sheets.

The Power of Humiliation

Humiliation play, whether verbal degradation or physical humiliation, is a potent aspect of kink that can allow people to explore their shortcomings in a safe container. Like anything with BDSM, it’s important to check in after a scene and have a safeword in place. As a top, it’s also important to only go as far as you’re fully comfortable with, even if a sub wants you to go further.

With safeguards and awareness in place, humiliation can be a fun, hot, and transformative aspect of kink play for those who enjoy it.