BDSM Talks: Why I Say No to “Whatever You Want, Mistress”

In all realms of sexuality, compatibility is extremely important. However, in the kink realm, there are often extra layers of compatibility that can make things even more complicated.

It’s very common for people who are new to kink, or just exploring, or who aren’t actually into it but think it’s kind of exciting, to come to a session and say “I want to do kink.” And I say, OK, so what do you want to do? And they say “Whatever you want, mistress.”

First of all, I’m Goddess, not mistress.

Second of all, no, it is not whatever I want. Passivity in kink is one of the least sexy things I can think of. Consent is important always, but especially in kink. If I’m doing something that is typically hard or painful or humiliating, I need to know that the other person is finding some kind of fulfillment or enjoyment (even if they are also expressing other reactions). For me, personally, I need the other person to come to the table with at least some idea of the genre of kink they enjoy, in part because kink is a HUGE UMBRELLA.

Here is a list of kinks (non-exhaustive) from the Bad Girl’s Bible. They range from age play to amputee fetishes to furries to bondage to gags to lactation fetish to pet play to sneezing fetish to teasing and denial to chastity to coporophilia to everything under the kink sun.

“Whatever you want, mistress,” is almost invariably going to lead you to something you do not want. If I did exactly only what I wanted, you might find yourself in a very compromising position that you absolutely do not want to be in.

I offer a wide range of kinks that I truly enjoy. I’m open to doing other things that I have not listed because it’s not possible for me to think of every single kink scenario that I might be open to. Rest assured that I will not do anything in the kink realm that is not fun for me.

A Recent Example

A recent phone caller didn’t want to tell me any information about them, not even a fake name. They insisted I could call them anything I wanted. They said they liked general humiliation. When I asked them to tell me what is humiliating about them, they said they just like to be humiliated generally and refused to tell me anything. Of course, I always ask this question in a sexy and demanding way, like “Tell me something humiliating about you, I want to hear you say it.”

So, I humiliated them for expecting me to be psychic and knowing what is humiliating about them without any information from them. I told the caller that humiliation must come naturally for them, because they are quite pathetic. Well, guess what, folks! This person found out they do have some kind of boundary or fantasy and got upset. Everyone has boundaries, everyone has desires. It’s sexy to get what you want, and to fulfill someone’s fantasy, and to have mine fulfilled. As I like to say, I’m only a little bit psychic…

The Fantasy Container

For me, kink is a potent fantasy. I prefer to have strong boundaries between fantasy and reality. Sometimes those lines can blur in longer-term relationships where trust has been built and there is a desire for play that can go into daily life, such as long-term chastity play. But even then, there are always safeguards in place to ensure that everyone is happy, healthy, enjoying themselves, and able to live their daily life in the way that they want to.

To me, many “whatever you want, mistress” kind of people lack the understanding of that container. They may believe that to be submissive, they have to do whatever I want, even if they truly don’t want to.

It’s complicated, right? Because for some, a lack of consent is part of the fantasy. However, I’ve had plenty of fun playing with people who are “whatever you want, Goddess” type of people who have that particular aspect in mind. Because that desire is a sign of initiative within the kink dynamic. They actively enjoy and get off on not enjoying it. Wow, is that a tongue twister?

However, if you think you have to do whatever I say because you think that is what kink is, I’m uncomfortable. Regardless of roles, for me, kink should be a collaboration that makes everyone happy. If what gets you off is being made to do terrible things you absolutely don’t want to do, then, great! Let’s play with that. If you think you just have to suffer through it because you do not delineate between fantasy and reality, I’d be uncomfortable.

For me, kink is just that: play. It is potent playtime that can be transformative, healing, and extremely powerful. Our roles can be very meaningful in and out of the bedroom, but, at a certain point, I want us both go home and do all the normal things we do so we can come together another time and play again. I like playing with people who have a similar vision.

Limits & Boundaries

Another issue I have with “whatever you want, mistress” kinds of people is that they claim to have no limits. Often when people say they will do whatever I want, I will say something extreme like, OK, so I can put a bunch of needles through your dick? Of course, I would never do something so extreme without someone’s eager desire and consent. But, it’s funny how quickly that will help someone realize they do, in fact, have boundaries and limits.

A lack of limits is concerning to me. If someone truly has no limits, I would not want to play with them. Limits, boundaries, safewords, etc, keep everyone safe, especially in a professional environment where there is some level of liability at play. As a professional, part of my responsibility is to know what is reasonable, safe, and appropriate, even if someone wants something else.

The fantasy of no limits is hot for many people, and can be touched upon within a pre-negotiated fantasy container that does have limits, boundaries, and a safe word. But the reality of someone truly having no limits is not fun or hot for me.

There was recently an unfortunate case of a sex worker whose client died during a session. The client had multiple layers of plastic, saran wrap, and duct tape around his head, blocking his access to air for at least eight minutes. The client had asked the provider to glue his eyes shut and glue women’s shoes to his feet.

Some aspects of this could be done more responsibly by an experienced professional. Eyes can be taped shut, shoes can be locked on, and breath play can be done in a safer, more temporary, harm reduction way. It seems the provider in question was in over her head. But this case shows that limits, boundaries, and knowing what is possible or safe is extremely important from both the client and provider perspectives.

If You’re New To Kink

It’s OK to not know what you want. But, it is helpful when crafting a BDSM session with a provider to have some guidelines, even if it’s just “I like bondage, I don’t like humiliation.” If people want to try kink, but don’t know where to start, I usually recommend bondage and teasing (two of my favorite things!) as a gentle entry point.

If you want to go more in depth with it, you might want to try a “Yes, No, Maybe” list to get clear on what it is you’re looking for out of a kink session. There are lots of lists out there. Some of them are basic, some are more thorough. Here are a few options