I Was On a Podcast! Talking About Non-Hierarchical & Solo Poly on “When We’re Not Hustling” With Jessie Sage

In June of last year, I saw a post on X/Twitter by sex columnist and sex worker Jessie Sage looking for people to interview about polyamory/non-monogamy and sex work for her podcast When We’re Not Hustling. I shot off a DM right away. I thought I might have a unique perspective to share.

We recorded our episode in December of last year. In the episode, I talk about my experiences with non-monogamy, specifically non-hierarchical (or rather, less hierarchical), a bit of relationship anarchy, and “solo poly.” Jessie also talked about her experiences with non-monogamy. We both talked about how sex work and non-monogamy interact in our lives.

The episode was really fun to record. It was great to compare and contrast our different experiences with non-monogamy as sex workers. If you’re interested, give it a listen!

What is Non-Hierarchical Non-Monogamy?

While I like to call it “less-hierarchical,” the more common term is non-hierarchical. I prefer “less hierarchical” because there are always inherent hierarchies that form in life. As humans, we naturally seek out hierarchy to establish order and comfort. However, I prefer relationships that naturally flow, and to be with people who are available to connect on their own terms, regardless of their other partnerships.

What is Relationship Anarchy?

In relationship anarchy, or RA as it is often abbreviated, relationships of all kinds may have equal importance in someone’s life. In my version of non-monogamy, I seek out relationships that aren’t artificially inflated to a certain position in my life just because they are romantic partnerships. Many of my friendships are just as deep and important as my romantic relationships.

What is Solo Poly?

Solo poly means that someone may have partnerships but they do not want to be on a “relationship escalator.” The escalator is the traditional relationship path to moving in together, merging finances, marriage, children, etc. I like to have a lot of my own time and space and I have felt drained when I have lived with other people. I also really don’t want to get married or have children. I am a very independent person, but I do love connecting with others!

Last year I read an amazing book, At The Center of All Beauty, by Fenton Johnson. The book is about the “solitary” person and their historical function in society. It poses that the solitary is a valid other category of someone between “single” and “in a relationship.” This category includes many prolific creatives such as Emily Dickinson, Nina Simone, and Rabindranath Tagore. Some historic solitaries were indeed married due to the expectations of their time but spent significant time alone and apart from their partners and families to regenerate their energy and work on their creative projects. Those who weren’t married still have lovers and significant connections throughout their lives. This book was very validating to me!

How Does This All Interact With Sex Work?

As an escort, I feel my relationships with my clients can be very similar to the ways that I date in my personal life, with some notable differences, of course. I connect with people when it is best for us and when we are together we are both present and available for connection. Our relationship can stay at the same level for a long time.

Sex work has also enabled me to be able to remain solitary while living in one of the most expensive cities in the country! Some people feel pressured to move in with partners and escalate a relationship to pay for living expenses.

In the podcast episode, we also discussed views that other polyamorous people who are not sex workers may have expressed to us. The non-monogamous community is generally considered to be open-minded and sex-positive, but both Jessie and I mentioned experiencing some whorephobia in non-monogamous communities.

In my experience, it mainly comes from people who have an unrealistic perspective on the sexual health risks involved in sex work. I’ve experienced some “I support sex work, but I don’t want it in my polycule,” etc. Ultimately, it’s ok to have different risk profiles, and, that can be coming from a place of misinformation or even whorephobia!

Check out my podcast episode with Jessie Sage to hear more!