Extremely Low Brow Hooker Holiday Gift Guide
This is a gift guide. It may not be the one you want, but it is the one you will get. It is called a hooker gift guide not because you are shopping for a hooker, but because, it was written by one. It is “low brow” because these gifts are silly, or an everyday item you might not think to give as a gift but would be appreciated. Which might actually make it “high brow?” I’ll leave it up to you to decide. Regardless, gifts don’t have to be large or expensive to be meaningful and this list proves it.
This isn’t necessarily a guide of gifts I want, though I’d be elated to receive most of these (except Clocky, not Clocky…please). A gift guide is when someone talks about things they think others might be interested in giving as a gift. This list is for pretty much anyone, hookers and others.
Watch for my “slightly more serious” gift guide coming tomorrow!
1. Tajin
Everyone needs Tajin. You can and should put it on everything. For those with high blood pressure, they even have a low sodium option. May I recommend the 14oz two pack available at Costco? You may be familiar with the classic flavor, but if you go straight to the source and visit the Tajin website/Amazon web store, there are some unique options including hot sauces, a habanero option, and a sweet/savory combo.
2. Stack of Cash Die Cut Bookmark
Is a bookmark that looks like a stack of cash a good way to get your book stolen? And then you won’t be able to finish it? And then you will just play games on your phone instead of reading? And then you will become very nearsighted over the years? And then you will get LASIK to try to see better? And then the LASIK will go horribly wrong and give you X-Ray vision? And then you will become some kind of X-Ray supervillain trying to get revenge on the LASIK industry?? Ok, maybe don’t get anyone this bookmark.
8. Blender Bottle
I’m very particular about the kind of water bottle I use. I don’t like ones with all sorts of nooks and crannies because I like to put a lot of supplements into my water. I’ve had so many water bottles die from mold because they were impossible to clean thoroughly. The Blender Bottle seems to be the best option for this conundrum. The wide top makes it easy to clean. They come in fun colors and themes. I love their stainless steel option for heated yoga!
4. A Real Life Banana Phone
The banana phone doesn’t have to live only in your imagination or in this photo of me by Shannon Brooke. It can become a reality*. It connects to your cell phone via Bluetooth and can also be used as a Bluetooth speaker.
*For phone use only, please do not stick in any orifices…
5. Platform Crocs
Whoever wears these will have the style and sassiness of Pleasers and the comfort of Crocs. Your gift recipient will tower above everyone else knowing that they are slightly better, and definitely more fashionable, than other Crocs wearers in these platform Crocs. Also they’re on sale for $30 fo Black Friday.
6. A Pack of CEREAL MARSHMALLOWS ONLY from Medley Hills Farm
Was your gift recipient, like me, deprived of sugary marshmallow cereal as a child? Help them get their revenge by giving them this “Oops, all marshmallows” gift.
7. Hanes Womens Long Sleeve Tee
Ok, hear me out, this basic-ass t-shirt is great to not only wear for casual outings or chilling at home, but it is also great for “plopping,” which is a strange word for drying curly hair. I have four of them!
8. OMG It’s CLOCKY
Ok, please, no one get this replica of Clocky for me because I actually think it’s kind of creepy, but someone might like it?? I do have a huge nostalgia for Pee Wee’s Playhouse but, yeah. I was always creeped out by the live inanimate objects.
So, there you have it. A Hanukkah’s worth of low-brow gift ideas from a hooker. Happy Holidays!
