Slightly More Serious Hooker Holiday Gift Guide 2024

Perhaps you’ve seen my Extremely Low Brow Hooker Holiday Gift Guide? In it, I mention that I might make a nicer/more serious gift guide. Again, a gift guide is different than a wishlist. I don’t necessarily want all these things, though I certainly wouldn’t mind them. This guide contains products I use, products I enjoy, and generally, things I think people may enjoy as a gift, whether they are another escort, a friend, or someone else in your life. Again, it’s called a hooker gift guide, because, well, it’s coming from a hooker!

1. Lululemon Align Shorts for the Hot Yoga Lover in Your Life

I have endless pairs of these shorts, which I find incredibly useful as a dedicated heated yoga practitioner. I love the 6-inch ones because the 4-inch is just not long enough to cover everything with my generous rear end. The fabric is buttery soft and doesn’t roll up or down, which is a problem with some of the off-brand dupes of these shorts. They come in fun colors and the colors sometimes change from season to season. People who practice unheated yoga may enjoy the longer Align leggings.

2. Prints From Some Of My Favorite Photographers: Corwin Prescott, Shannon Brooke, Wondra

I wish that every single one of the photographers I work with sold prints of their amazing work online, but many don’t. Luckily these three do! Surprise a sweetheart with a scintillating print or maybe even a unique photo book.

3. Doxy Die Cast Vibrator

You’ve heard of the Hitachi but make way for the Doxy. It’s like a Hitachi+++++. They have a few different options but this is the one that I have and I love it. Of course, I have the option with 24-karat gold decor because my pussy deserves nothing but the best. They have lots of other color options including some fun patterned wraps. It’s a lot more robust and durable than the Hitachi. The body is made of aluminum, making it strong but lightweight. They’ve engineered it so you don’t feel the vibrations that much in your hand. The buttons are larger than many other toys. It’s super easy to turn it up when you are in the middle of…something. It has a solid vibrating pattern as well as another mode with an oscillating pattern. It’s a beautiful toy that works very well. Plus it comes with a two-year warranty.

4. Real New York Bagels from Gold Belly

Send your sweetheart real NYC bagels from Zabars, H&H, or Essa Bagel on Gold Belly! We do not stan this skinny California bagel crap. Gold Belly is overall a very cool site. You can have delicacies shipped to you from local businesses all over the country. Get brisket from Texas, mufalleta from New Orleans, or Boston cream pie from, well, Boston.

5. Awamaki Alpaca Samay Slouch Socks

In January I spent a month in Peru. I found the perfect pair of Alpaca socks at Awamaki in the quaint tourist town of Ollytantaytambo in the Sacred Valley. They were everywhere, but in bold colors and patterns. I wanted to find a more plain pair that would go with just about anything. I found just the ones here! These are my favorite socks. I wear them nearly daily in the winter because Alpaca wool is incredibly warm, naturally anti-microbial, and resistant to developing odors.

6. Pulsar Necklace + UFO Charm from Little Rooms

Little Rooms is full of quirky jewels to satisfy anyone with an interest in science fiction, fantasy, or the metaphysical. They sell a variety of chains and cute little charms. If your gift-recipient is not an alien lover perhaps a coven or yeti charm will do.

7. A Gift Card to Mercy Vintage

Mercy Vintage is an Oakland staple. Their collection is comprised of pieces that are either vintage, designer, or extremely unique. Many of their pieces you will not find elsewhere. Some of my favorite finds from there include a 90s Escada silk blouse, YSL booties, golden Manolos, and a vintage 1940s handmade button-down shirt with a western rope pattern. They have one of the consistently top-quality collections I’ve seen as an avid thrifter and vintage lover. While the store is in Oakland, they also have an online shop meaning anyone can shop their incredible collection from anywhere! A gift card to this store is a perfect gift no matter where the recipient is located.

8. VixSkin Mustang – A Very Reasonable Dildo

This is my absolute favorite. It’s a great size, big enough for me, and arguably more importantly, just the right size for pegging most people. The realistic texture and softness make it great for rear-end activities. A sweetheart got this for me in the tie-dye version, but it also comes in a few different skin tones.

9. A Charitable Donation

Still not sure what to get? Shopping for a very particular friend or sweetheart? There are several amazing organizations I appreciate. Maybe your gift recipient will too? Consider a charitable donation to one of the following organizations as a gift.

• St. Vincent de Paul of Alameda County – SVDP is doing the real on-the-ground work in Oakland. They provide a whopping 600 meals daily (!), showers, laundry, access to a clothing closet that includes toiletries and cosmetics, infant and child care supplies, access to a community center for daytime use, and a 65-bed shelter at night.
  
• Openhouse SF – This organization supports our LGBTQ elders with housing assistance, case management, community events, mental health support, a community center, and an amazing volunteer “friendly visitor” program in which volunteers foster a relationship with a community member for at least 6 months. LGBTQ elders need our support, they sometimes feel alienated from queer community, may not be in contact with their family of origin, may not have children, and may have different health concerns than other people in their age group, so they are uniquely positioned to experience isolation.
  
• Jewish Children and Family Services East Bay – I first learned about this organization through its LGBT refugee welcome program. In this program, they offer transitional help to LGBT refugees when they first come to the US. Their services include organizing housing, enrolling in benefits, assisting with job training and education, and helping with learning English. They also have a general refugee resettlement program, and programs for aging adults, whether they are part of the Jewish community or not. JCFS started in 1877, helping Jewish refugees resettle in the US. As the world changed, the organization shifted its focus to other groups of all backgrounds and beliefs who now need that type of assistance.
  
• Palestinian Red Crescent Society – This organization, doing on-the-ground work in Palestine, is part of the International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies. They are providing deeply needed emergency assistance and medical aid. The website is in Arabic but if you use Chrome browser you can translate it into English.
  
• Sogorea Te Land Trust – This organization has worked to return land in the East Bay to the Indigenous Lisjan Ohlone people of the East Bay, the original stewards of the area. It’s an Indigenous women-led organization that has rematriated land in East Oakland, West Oakland, and Richmond. In 2020 they had the opportunity to buy a house! You can calculate your Shuumi land tax, or make a general donation to them.
  
• Bay Area Worker Support – An East Bay organization that supports sex workers. They provide community events, an art club, mutual aid funding programs, and amazing resources to the SW community of the East Bay.
  
• Free Speech Coalition – This adult industry organization is often spoken of as primarily being for porn performers, but in my opinion, it is fighting for our rights – and I do mean all of us. Many of the legislative and legal action they work on has to do with laws that may affect people’s ability to watch and access adult materials, which as we know from FOSTA-SESTA has a far-reaching effect on everything from escort ads to social media to dating apps. Their work is going to be very important in the next four years.